day 24 : make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs

This playlist is just a bunch of trance/techno/etc music that I really love. It's some of my favorite music. It's not to anyone in particular. Children by Robert Miles is probably my favorite song of all time.

day 23 : something you wish you had done in your life

I wish that I had planned ahead more when I was in high school, and really decided on a career that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Something I am passionate about. I have some passions, but none of them seem plausible for a career. I would love to pursue photography someday, but I don't think it's a realistic goal right now. Someday I hope to return to school to do something, but I can't make my mind settle on one single path. I do know that I would love to do something creative, but beyond that, I am lost. It's frustrating to me that I graduated from high school 2 years ago, and I have not completed anything school-wise since then. I am proud of myself for becoming a nationally and state certified pharmacy technician, and I am making fairly decent money at the moment. I do know that this job will only be temporary for me, though, because I frankly do not find much enjoyment from it, and it doesn't stimulate me at all. I wish I could just pick something. I don't want to end up going back to school when I'm 90 years old.

day 22 : something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

Hmmm... this is a tough one. I want to say that I wish I hadn't left Cade for the 5 month period that I did, but I do know that it was what was best for us at the time. I think I needed that time away from him to prove to myself that he really was what I wanted, and we both needed to do some growing up.

There are definitely things that could have been handled better, but all in all, I truly wouldn't change anything. I am content with how my life is playing out, and changing any aspect of it might make things turn out wrong. I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

day 21 : your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before... what do you do?

I would rush to the hospital to be with them, to apologize, and to tell them that I am so happy that they are okay. If they did not survive, then I would feel guilty for the rest of my life, seriously.

I always try to say "I love you", or something nice to someone, when I am leaving because I know that there is always a possibility that I may never see them again. Cade and I usually make an effort never to go to bed angry, and we always kiss each other goodnight. I would never want to have my last memories of someone be a negative thing. I never want to leave a sour taste in anyone's mouth when they think of me.

day 20 : your views on drugs and alcohol

I've never tried any illegal drugs in my life. I haven't ever really had the desire, and I wouldn't know where to get any even if I wanted to. I work in a pharmacy, so I also see every day what addictions to prescription drugs can do to people. I hate the idea of taking any kind of medication, so I usually avoid taking anything for headaches, or a cold, or simple little things like that. I hate the idea of taking medications for mood or anything emotional because I feel like those types of medications numb people so they can avoid dealing with their problems. I only take the medications that I need to for my arthritis, and I even dislike taking those, but without them I can hardly walk.

(during my first drinking experience in Venezuela)

I grew up with an alcoholic parent (he is 100% better now, sober for many years) so I have witnessed first-hand how things can get out of control with alcohol. I have only had drinks when I was in Venezuela (where I was of legal drinking age), if my mom gave them to me on a holiday, or at one party for New Years' Eve. I am a goody-two-shoes and I don't like to break the law, so I am staying away until I turn 21. I don't intend on drinking often because a) I am not supposed to drink while on the medication methotrexate (for rheumatoid arthritis) and b) I know that children of alcoholics are at a higher risk of becoming one themselves, and I will not let that happen. My dad struggled for a long time with this problem and I know he would never want to see me become a victim to it.

day 19 : what do you think of religion? or what do you think of politics?

I went to Catholic school for 13 years, and learned all about Catholicism, but I have never been Catholic. The public school in my area wasn't the greatest, and private school offered a better education. I have never felt spiritual, or seen a need to be. I have no interest in being part of any religion at the moment, and I don't believe I ever will. I am very interested in world religions, however, and I have read extensively about many of them. Organized religion usually teaches people that anyone who doesn't agree with what they believe are wrong, and I don't like that.

I learned the 10 Commandments in elementary school, and I have always obeyed all of them except the ones about worshipping god and going to church. I think that any human being with decency toward others shouldn't have a problem obeying the 10 Commandments. They have little to do with Christianity, and a lot to do with simply being a good person. No one should lie, no one should murder people. It doesn't matter if they are Christians, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, etc. I treat people with respect because I expect to be treated with respect. I am nice to people because it makes me happy to be nice. It has nothing to do with religion.

I understand that some people need to believe that there is something more to life, and that they are working toward heaven. Some people rely on their belief in god to get through every single day, and they pray when things are hard. I respect the reasons some people depend on religion to live, but it's just not for me. I would much rather take comfort in the belief that I am self-sufficient, and I will always be able to overcome any hardships I come across in life. I have not needed to ask god for help in my life, and I am not about to start now. I am capable of doing things without believing that there is some big man in the sky helping me out.

(both photos by me)

I don't consider myself particularly spiritual. If I were to lean toward any sort of religion at all, it would definitely be some sort of pagan religion that focuses on the worship of nature. I do think that there is some sort of energy about the earth that is very sacred, but I don't really think it is any type of god being. I think that humanity is definitely connected in that we all need the same basic requirements to live, and we all have the right to live our lives in the way that we see fit. I do think that karma exists, and I think that you get back what you put out into the world. Doing good or bad won't determine what happens to you after you die. I believe that you only have one life, and that when you die, that's it-- you are dead. I find it strange that people focus so much time and energy worshiping a god so that they will have a perfect life after death. I think that my way of belief causes me to appreciate each day more, because I know that once I die, that will be it. I have to make the most of my life, because once it is gone, I won't have anything else. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I don't think that we will come back, or see our loved ones again.


As for politics-- I hate talking about politics because everyone always wants to argue about them. I tend to stay far away from discussing politics if at all possible. I will say that I do consider myself a liberal, I am pro-choice (in certain circumstances), I am for gay marriage, and I voted for Barack Obama. And that is all. No further discussion.

day 18 : your views on gay marriage

Cade's at work until midnight tonight because they're doing inventory, so I'm bored alone at home (and posting tomorrow's truth tonight!) and trying not to be a scaredy-cat.

I am a huge, huge, huge supporter of the gay community. My best friend, Miguel, is gay. I have known many wonderful gay people in my life. I went to Catholic grade school and high school, so it was drilled into my head that being gay is evil and wrong, but I have never felt that way, for some reason. It just never made sense to me. Now that I live in the super-conservative, Christian south, I am shocked by how openly people seem to voice their ignorance-- be it racism, religious intolerance, or yes, even homophobia. It makes my blood boil when I hear someone spewing intolerant garbage about other people.

I have removed portions of this entry at the request of a reader.

(my high school classmate, Kevin)

My blood pressure goes up every time I recall that scenario, for sure. Even now, as I write this, I am seething. In the world that we live in today, hatred is SO prevalent. Love is a beautiful, beautiful thing and it is meant to be celebrated. If the way that someone chooses to celebrate their love is through marriage, then they should be allowed to do so. I think it is ridiculous for anyone to think that they have the right to stand in the way of any couple's right to get married. Maybe you don't agree with homosexuality, but it is never going to affect you, or your life. No one ever stood in front of a man and woman and told them that they shouldn't be allowed to get married for whatever reason, so it shouldn't happen to gay couples.

Love doesn't see a gender.

(my friends, Trent & Dustin)