love

I wanted to introduce you all to Cade. Let me go back a few years, to a few old xanga entries I wrote when I was 17.

Saturday June 30th, 2007

If I had known, the moment Cade asked me out, how hard this relationship was going to be, I would have told him no. I would have turned my back and never been able to experience all of the good times we've had together. Lately all the bad things and regrets have been piling up and blinding me to just how lucky I really am. I have someone who loves me for who I am, no matter what. He accepts my flaws, is there when I need him, tries his hardest to make me happy and gives me everything he can. I am realizing that I am thankful for the fact that I didn't think before deciding to go out with him. I just knew that I liked him and that it sounded like a good idea. After a year and a half with him, I can't imagine what I used to do before he was in my life. I am glad I didn't know what negative things would be part of our relationship, because although they may be hard and painful, we are willing to go through them with the hope that we can stay together. Things can only get better. When we are older we will really be able to be happy. Now we are just proving to each other what we're really capable of. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything.

Another xanga entry:
Today in history class Mr. Wills was talking about all of the inventions we have in our generation that were completely unheard of when he was a kid. Like, the internet, and cell phones for instance. And then the topic of how people fall in love with other people who are so... I don't know... like unpredicted for them. Kind of like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. They're the last people you'd expect, you know? Anyhow, this got me thinking about Cade and I. If it weren't for the internet, I'd never have met him. Well, I could have, but it probably wouldn't have happened until after college. And even then, I probably still wouldn't have. Louisiana wasn't exactly on the top of my "Places to Visit" list. It's too humid. So basically, what I'm getting at is that I am really thankful for the internet.

The real way we met went a little bit like this (okay, completely like this): I had no friends the summer before 8th grade, pretty much. I was hanging out with 6th graders because they're the only people that actually wanted to hang out with me. One of them became pretty good friends with me, and his name was Ryan. He played this game called Runescape, which is an online role-playing game where you pretty much are kind of like a knight or warrior of some sort and you kill things and learn skills and whatnot. He was bored one day because his friends weren't online playing with him, so he told me to make a character on it and start playing. At first I didn't really want to because the game seemed so lame and boring, but I did anyway because I had nothing better to do. I got into the game a little more and then Ryan had to log off, but I kept playing for a while.

There's one area of the game where other players can attack you, and I didn't know it, but I kept dying and I was getting really frustrated. This kid, who seemed really nice, was trying to help me, but he turned out to be a perv and I blocked him. He kept on sending me messages, but I was ignoring them. He went around to find someone that could come and find me and ask me why I was being so mean to him. He eventually found Cade. Cade comes over to me and says that the other kid had sent him, and I want no parts of it and try to get him to go away. He asked me why I was so upset by the other kid and when I told him he yelled at him to leave me alone and stop being so disgusting.

To make up for the first kid, Cade decided to help me out, since I was new at the game and everything. I didn't trust him much at first, but he was so easy to talk to and helpful. We played the game for a little while every day and we ended up doing more talking than actually playing, so I told him to give me his AIM screen name so we could just talk there. We talked pretty frequently from that day and got to know each other pretty well.

I didn't realize how much I liked him until Hurricane Katrina happened. I knew that Cade lived in Lake Charles, Louisiana, but I didn't know if that area was affected. He didn't come online for a few weeks and I was so afraid that something bad happened to him, like he had been hurt or killed. Finally one day out of nowhere this random person IMs me and says, "Hey it's Cade, I'm on my aunt's screen name. I just wanted to let you know I didn't forget about you!" I was so relieved to know that he was okay. I think that was the point when I realized that I really liked him. I had been so worried. After that we started talking even more, and I began to like him more and more. I tried to ignore the fact that I liked him, though, because I had a boyfriend already at the time.

In January of 2006, right before our 6 month anniversary (and my birthday!!), my boyfriend broke up with me and I was completely heartbroken. Cade knew how much I was hurting, and he wasn't sure what to do. He told me he had a surprise. He had just gotten a cell phone, and I had never heard his voice before, so he said we could talk that night. He listened to me cry like a big baby about how sad I was, and didn't tell me I was stupid. He was really nice and sympathetic and said all the right things. I spent the night of my 16th birthday on the phone with him until the crack of dawn, even though we both had school the next day. After that, we talked on the phone every night for hours and hours and ask each other questions about every single tiny detail of our lives.



One night when we were talking he told me that he had another call on the line and he'd be right back. He was gone for almost 20 minutes, so I was afraid that something had happened (of course, because I worry too much). He came back and his voice had changed. It was quiet and filled with sadness. I asked him who had called and he told me that it was his best friend Zach's sister. Zach had been beaten up really badly in school about a month before this day. He had been in a coma, and on life support. She'd called Cade to tell him that Zach had died. After telling me this he broke down into tears and asked me if I could stay with him for a little longer. I promised him that I wasn't going to hang up until he wanted me to. I'd never had a friend of mine die, but imagining how much it would hurt me made me feel so bad for Cade. I couldn't think of the pain it would cause. I told him I wished I know what would make him feel better and he told me that just being there to keep him company was making him feel much better. All of a sudden I found myself telling him I loved him. I don't know where it came from, and I didn't know what he was going to say back, but I knew that I meant it. And he told me he loved me, too. We fell asleep on the phone, and we've done that every night since then.




A week or two after Zach died, Cade and I decided to play the game for a while. We hadn't been on in months, completely forgetting that it existed. All of a sudden he was saying, "I know this might be really stupid, and probably impossible... but would you be my girlfriend? I understand if you say no... we live so far away." I laughed and told him that I would love to. People told me that I was getting into another relationship too soon, after only a month off from the other one, but I had known Cade for two years and I knew him well enough to think it was okay. I wasn't counting on it lasting forever, anyway, in my state of mind then. I figured I was completely dumpable and he'd get sick of me soon enough like the other two boys had before him. But I was wrong.



Cade has been the best thing that ever happened to me. We've been through a lot together, and I think that being with him through his friend's death brought us really close, too. I know that he really does love me. He's given up a lot of things for me, and he does everything he can to make me happy. Living so far apart is hard much of the time, but we know that it will be all worth it when we can be together every day. If we can get through this, we can get through anything. A love has to be really strong to stretch all the way across a country and two time zones. It has to be. I know we met in a very strange way, and it makes no sense to a lot of people, but it makes sense to us. It has for years now... and I wouldn't have it any other way.



Back to present times...


Last summer I broke up with Cade at the end of August to pursue a relationship with another guy. I couldn't handle the distance, the stress, and our fighting any longer. Without going into too much detail (as if I haven't done that already!!), we got back together in February of this year. We had been waiting and waiting for him to graduate from high school, when he would move up here to Pennsylvania to live with me and go to school. He finally moved here in May, and we were the happiest we had ever been.

While he was here, we were looking for loans for him to go to school, but we were having very little luck. When Cade's father became terminally ill with cancer, he decided it would be the best thing for him to go home. While it broke my heart completely, there was nothing I could do to change his mind. Because of this, we are more determined to be together than ever. He is starting school in January, and I will be finished my classes in February. As soon as I finish school, I am moving to Louisiana to be with him.



Our relationship seems like it is doomed to continue this way, sometimes, but I know that we both truly love each other and we want to be together. This is the reason we keep going, despite all of the setbacks. We love each other.