day 24 : make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs

This playlist is just a bunch of trance/techno/etc music that I really love. It's some of my favorite music. It's not to anyone in particular. Children by Robert Miles is probably my favorite song of all time.

day 23 : something you wish you had done in your life

I wish that I had planned ahead more when I was in high school, and really decided on a career that I wanted to do for the rest of my life. Something I am passionate about. I have some passions, but none of them seem plausible for a career. I would love to pursue photography someday, but I don't think it's a realistic goal right now. Someday I hope to return to school to do something, but I can't make my mind settle on one single path. I do know that I would love to do something creative, but beyond that, I am lost. It's frustrating to me that I graduated from high school 2 years ago, and I have not completed anything school-wise since then. I am proud of myself for becoming a nationally and state certified pharmacy technician, and I am making fairly decent money at the moment. I do know that this job will only be temporary for me, though, because I frankly do not find much enjoyment from it, and it doesn't stimulate me at all. I wish I could just pick something. I don't want to end up going back to school when I'm 90 years old.

day 22 : something you wish you hadn’t done in your life

Hmmm... this is a tough one. I want to say that I wish I hadn't left Cade for the 5 month period that I did, but I do know that it was what was best for us at the time. I think I needed that time away from him to prove to myself that he really was what I wanted, and we both needed to do some growing up.

There are definitely things that could have been handled better, but all in all, I truly wouldn't change anything. I am content with how my life is playing out, and changing any aspect of it might make things turn out wrong. I honestly wouldn't change a thing.

day 21 : your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before... what do you do?

I would rush to the hospital to be with them, to apologize, and to tell them that I am so happy that they are okay. If they did not survive, then I would feel guilty for the rest of my life, seriously.

I always try to say "I love you", or something nice to someone, when I am leaving because I know that there is always a possibility that I may never see them again. Cade and I usually make an effort never to go to bed angry, and we always kiss each other goodnight. I would never want to have my last memories of someone be a negative thing. I never want to leave a sour taste in anyone's mouth when they think of me.

day 20 : your views on drugs and alcohol

I've never tried any illegal drugs in my life. I haven't ever really had the desire, and I wouldn't know where to get any even if I wanted to. I work in a pharmacy, so I also see every day what addictions to prescription drugs can do to people. I hate the idea of taking any kind of medication, so I usually avoid taking anything for headaches, or a cold, or simple little things like that. I hate the idea of taking medications for mood or anything emotional because I feel like those types of medications numb people so they can avoid dealing with their problems. I only take the medications that I need to for my arthritis, and I even dislike taking those, but without them I can hardly walk.

(during my first drinking experience in Venezuela)

I grew up with an alcoholic parent (he is 100% better now, sober for many years) so I have witnessed first-hand how things can get out of control with alcohol. I have only had drinks when I was in Venezuela (where I was of legal drinking age), if my mom gave them to me on a holiday, or at one party for New Years' Eve. I am a goody-two-shoes and I don't like to break the law, so I am staying away until I turn 21. I don't intend on drinking often because a) I am not supposed to drink while on the medication methotrexate (for rheumatoid arthritis) and b) I know that children of alcoholics are at a higher risk of becoming one themselves, and I will not let that happen. My dad struggled for a long time with this problem and I know he would never want to see me become a victim to it.

day 19 : what do you think of religion? or what do you think of politics?

I went to Catholic school for 13 years, and learned all about Catholicism, but I have never been Catholic. The public school in my area wasn't the greatest, and private school offered a better education. I have never felt spiritual, or seen a need to be. I have no interest in being part of any religion at the moment, and I don't believe I ever will. I am very interested in world religions, however, and I have read extensively about many of them. Organized religion usually teaches people that anyone who doesn't agree with what they believe are wrong, and I don't like that.

I learned the 10 Commandments in elementary school, and I have always obeyed all of them except the ones about worshipping god and going to church. I think that any human being with decency toward others shouldn't have a problem obeying the 10 Commandments. They have little to do with Christianity, and a lot to do with simply being a good person. No one should lie, no one should murder people. It doesn't matter if they are Christians, Muslims, Jews, Atheists, etc. I treat people with respect because I expect to be treated with respect. I am nice to people because it makes me happy to be nice. It has nothing to do with religion.

I understand that some people need to believe that there is something more to life, and that they are working toward heaven. Some people rely on their belief in god to get through every single day, and they pray when things are hard. I respect the reasons some people depend on religion to live, but it's just not for me. I would much rather take comfort in the belief that I am self-sufficient, and I will always be able to overcome any hardships I come across in life. I have not needed to ask god for help in my life, and I am not about to start now. I am capable of doing things without believing that there is some big man in the sky helping me out.

(both photos by me)

I don't consider myself particularly spiritual. If I were to lean toward any sort of religion at all, it would definitely be some sort of pagan religion that focuses on the worship of nature. I do think that there is some sort of energy about the earth that is very sacred, but I don't really think it is any type of god being. I think that humanity is definitely connected in that we all need the same basic requirements to live, and we all have the right to live our lives in the way that we see fit. I do think that karma exists, and I think that you get back what you put out into the world. Doing good or bad won't determine what happens to you after you die. I believe that you only have one life, and that when you die, that's it-- you are dead. I find it strange that people focus so much time and energy worshiping a god so that they will have a perfect life after death. I think that my way of belief causes me to appreciate each day more, because I know that once I die, that will be it. I have to make the most of my life, because once it is gone, I won't have anything else. I don't believe in heaven or hell. I don't think that we will come back, or see our loved ones again.


As for politics-- I hate talking about politics because everyone always wants to argue about them. I tend to stay far away from discussing politics if at all possible. I will say that I do consider myself a liberal, I am pro-choice (in certain circumstances), I am for gay marriage, and I voted for Barack Obama. And that is all. No further discussion.

day 18 : your views on gay marriage

Cade's at work until midnight tonight because they're doing inventory, so I'm bored alone at home (and posting tomorrow's truth tonight!) and trying not to be a scaredy-cat.

I am a huge, huge, huge supporter of the gay community. My best friend, Miguel, is gay. I have known many wonderful gay people in my life. I went to Catholic grade school and high school, so it was drilled into my head that being gay is evil and wrong, but I have never felt that way, for some reason. It just never made sense to me. Now that I live in the super-conservative, Christian south, I am shocked by how openly people seem to voice their ignorance-- be it racism, religious intolerance, or yes, even homophobia. It makes my blood boil when I hear someone spewing intolerant garbage about other people.

I have removed portions of this entry at the request of a reader.

(my high school classmate, Kevin)

My blood pressure goes up every time I recall that scenario, for sure. Even now, as I write this, I am seething. In the world that we live in today, hatred is SO prevalent. Love is a beautiful, beautiful thing and it is meant to be celebrated. If the way that someone chooses to celebrate their love is through marriage, then they should be allowed to do so. I think it is ridiculous for anyone to think that they have the right to stand in the way of any couple's right to get married. Maybe you don't agree with homosexuality, but it is never going to affect you, or your life. No one ever stood in front of a man and woman and told them that they shouldn't be allowed to get married for whatever reason, so it shouldn't happen to gay couples.

Love doesn't see a gender.

(my friends, Trent & Dustin)

day 17 : a book you’ve read that changed your views on something

I first read The Diary of Anne Frank in 5th grade, and it has always stuck with me. If I ever feel down about my situation, or start wallowing in my own petty misery, I try to remember Anne Frank. She saw the ugliest side of human nature, and experienced the most horrible examples of mistreatment, and yet she still found a way to be happy, and see the beauty in life.


These are some of my favorite Anne Frank quotes:

Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. I don't think of all the misery but of the beauty that still remains.

I simply can't build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery and death... I think... peace and tranquility will return again.

Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.


(images via weheartit)

day 16 : someone or something you definitely could live without

Unhealthy, chemical-laden, processed foods.

(image via chemical free skinny)

As soon as we make enough money to buy separate groceries, I fully intend on creating a healthy diet for myself that includes tons of organic produce, whole foods that don't come in plastic packaging and require the use of a microwave to cook them. Unfortunately, money is an issue (isn't it always?) and my Mister is the pickiest eater in all of the land. I've been trying to grab more healthy choices for myself when we go shopping, but we still end up buying a bunch of junk that no one should ever be eating. Cade refuses to try eating any vegetables or fruits because he insists he has already tried them all and they are disgusting, so I can't really spend all our grocery money on things that only one of us can eat. I can't wait to be able to afford to buy myself all the yummy healthy foods I want so that I can eat better and fuel my body with good things, not crap.

day 15 : something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it

Cade. It's as simple as that. I know that despite any rough patches we go through in our relationship, we are always better when we are with each other. I learned that I do not need him in my life, but I want him in it. You should never need another person, it's unhealthy. But to want someone in your life, every moment of every day, because you feel that much more fulfilled when they are part of it, is the most amazing feeling in the world.

day 14 : a hero that has let you down

I rarely stop to think about who I consider a hero. A hero is someone who can stand up for what is right, even if it isn't easy to do. They are a person who knows what to do in the most difficult situation, and they put others above themselves as often as possible. A true hero is someone that learns from their mistakes and grows beyond them. A hero, to me, can't let you down. That is what makes them a hero, because of their unrelenting ability to do good.

My mom is my biggest hero, and she has never let me down. We've had moments throughout my life where things weren't the greatest, but we have always come through them. I miss her so much and I can't wait to go home to visit her and the rest of my family as soon as possible.

/end cheese.

day 13 : a band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days

I decided to take the weekend off from blogging, but I'm back to catch up on 3 entries for the 30 Days of Truth challenge :)

I thought for a long time about which band/artist I wanted to choose for this prompt, and it was so hard to come up with something. I definitely use music as therapy for hard times, and I love hearing lyrics that I identify with that speak directly about my situation. I can't say that I have one single band that I go for when I'm feeling down, but I definitely seem to listen to a lot of Nelly Furtado's music lately. She seems like such a strong individual who is sure of who she is as a person and what she wants. She isn't ashamed of who she is and I strive to be more like that every day.

Here are a few of her lyrics that I especially like:

I remember the days when I was so eager to satisfy you And be less then I was just to prove I could walk beside you Now that I�'ve flown away I see you�'ve chosen to stay behind me And still you curse the day I decided to stay true to myself
-- ...On the Radio

I can't believe you need me I never thought would be needed for anything I can't believe my shoulder would carry such important weight As your head and your tears I can't believe you chose me, in all my fragility, me It hurts so much when i love you, it makes me cry Every time You, you are, oh you are The little boy made for me in the stars In the stars, that's why I can't let you go The little boy made for me in the stars That's why I love you more the further I go And before this existence you were always there Waiting for me You are, you are the realest thing I know Hands down -- Childhood Dreams


No tengo armas para enfrentarte, pongo mis manos, manos al aire. Sólo me importa amarte, en cuerpo y alma, como era ayer.
-- Manos Al Aire

I look in the mirror, the picture's getting clearer
I wanna be myself but does the world really need her I ache for this earth I stopped going to church See god in the trees makes me fall to my knees My depression keeps building like a cup overfilling My heart so rigid I keep it in the fridge It hurts so bad that i can't dry my eyes 'cause they keep on refillin' with the tears that I cry
-- Te Busque

day 12 : something you never get compliments on

My earlobes, my knees, my musical taste, my boyfriend**.


(**he gave me all of these answers)

spooky little girl

The second book my mom sent me is Spooky Little Girl by Laurie Notaro. The story is about a girl named Lucy who returns from a girls-only vacation to find that her fiance has thrown all of her things out on the lawn, locked her out of their house and he won't answer her phone calls. She gets fired from her job, and then to top it all off, she gets hit by a bus and dies.

She wakes up in ghost school, where she needs to learn how to properly haunt, and all there is to know about being a supernatural entity. She desperately wants to find out why she was tossed out of her home without explanation and why she was wrongfully fired.

I thought that this book was hilarious. The author had a really funny conversational tone throughout the book, and it seemed like it was a friend telling the story. It had a lot of funny parts and some parts that were touching, they actually made me tear up a little bit. I'm looking forward to checking out some more books by Laurie Notaro, because I've read that a lot of people think she's funny (and I like funny books). Let me know if any of you have read any other books by her, or if you plan on checking this book out!

updates...

Nothing really exciting going on over here, but a few things:

• my raise finally went through at work!! I passed my national pharmacy technician exam back in February, but my raise hasn't been put through until now. I'm so relieved!!
  
  
• I'm working on my hours to get my Louisiana technician's license. We didn't need to have a license in Pennsylvania, so it's really weird to me that we need to have one here. I have my permit and I have to get 600 hours under a pharmacist's watch before I have my license.
  
  
• I finished reading the second book that my mom sent me last night, so I'll do a review on that later. I've been dying to read Eat, Pray, Love now that Chelsey recommended it to me. I read the excerpt on Amazon and now I need more! I am waiting for my mom to mail it to me (she owns it) but I am getting impatient!
  
  
• I'm going to an estate sale tonight (my first one!) with Cade and my friend Trent and his boyfriend Dustin. I'm so excited! I doubt I'm going to buy anything, but it will be fun to check out what they have. I'll be sure to post pictures if I buy anything.

Oh, and does anyone have any recommendations for any really good books they've read lately? I'm on a reading kick and I'm almost out of books here. I couldn't bring my entire book collection with me when I moved, so I only brought the series I was reading at the time I moved (Sookie Stackhouse). I already finished all the Sookie Stackhouse books that are out :(

So, anything good?

day 11 : something people seem to compliment you the most on

My eyes :)

day 10 : someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know

(weheartit)

Honestly, I don't think I have someone for this prompt. I have tried to remove all the negative people from my life, and I am pretty sure they are all gone. It really feels good to surround yourself with positive people who are excited about life. It's important to me to remain optimistic in spite of anything bad that happens. Negativity breeds negativity, and I don't want to have anything to do with negative people.

Life is too short not to be happy :)

day 09 : someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

My best childhood friend, Mary. We were inseparable throughout elementary and middle school. We were different from the other girls in our class in so many ways, ways that brought us so close. Our passions were reading, writing and exploring the world. We loved to play with dolls and use our imaginations to create the worlds they lived in. We sewed clothes for our dolls, created furniture and notebooks for them. We cooked (well, mostly she cooked and I watched) and made movies. We dreamed about being best friends forever, until we lived in the same nursing home as old ladies.

We went to different high schools and slowly we stopped talking often. Then we stopped talking at all. We made different friends and moved on with our lives. We haven't really spoken to each other since we were freshmen. I still regret it painfully to this day, because I know we are still the same wide-eyed girls hungry to learn about the world, and we could still be best friends.

I miss you, Mary.

day 08 : someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

(weheartit)

There was one person who fit this description, but she has since been removed from my life. She was my high school best friend, and we had a lot in common. One thing we didn't share, however, was the way that she seemed to breed negativity. If there wasn't something negative about a situation, she would find a way to create drama. She wasn't happy if she wasn't in a fight with someone, or causing some sort of conflict. I was constantly being dragged into things that were completely inane. Classmates would ask me, "Why are you friends with her?". I would defend her, saying "You guys just don't know her very well... she's not always like that." Until I saw for myself last fall just how nasty she really was. She treated me like crap when I went out of my way to make her birthday special for her, and from that day I vowed to never make excuses for her again, and to stay as far away from her as possible.

It wasn't a forceful removal, in that I declared my desire to no longer have contact with her, but it was a slow and gradual adjustment. I never really told her how I felt about her, because I don't like to cause drama. We just stopped talking. I went from having one best friend to having none in a matter of weeks. The texts and phone calls dwindled, the friendly chatting at work stopped and became all business, and hanging out ceased. My attitude and outlook on life have improved so much since I removed her negative influence from the picture. I am happier.

day 07 : someone who has made your life worth living for

day 06 : something you hope you never have to do

The answer I first wanted to say for this was "die". I never want to die, ever. It's my greatest fear. But I have no choice, and we all have to die some day, so I decided that I would choose something that I can actually control.

I hope I never have to have children. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember, and I have plenty of reasons for it. People always tell me that I'm going to change my mind, that I'd love being a mother, but I know that I wouldn't. I just know it's not for me, the same way some people know they are meant to be moms. I don't like kids. They annoy me to no end and I feel awkward around them. I've been told it's different when they're your own kids, but I don't think it really is. You either like kids, or you don't.

I want to have the freedom to travel without the hassle of children, I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck in debt all of my life because I'm paying for tons of groceries, school tuition, etc. I have rheumatoid arthritis, and I am afraid it would get worse with the weight I would gain when pregnant, and I would be in constant pain the entire time. I would be afraid that the child would have it, too. And finally, I am just too selfish to have a baby. I want to spend all my free time making my self happy, and I think having kids would get in the way of that.

So that's it. Now you know, I hate kids.

day 05 : something you hope to do in your life

In one word? TRAVEL! There are so many places I would love to visit in this big beautiful world. Here are some of them:

San Francisco

Banff

Paris

Greece

Italy

New Orleans

Hawaii

Amsterdam

India

...and I would love to go to Venezuela, again!

There are more places, surely, but these are my main destinations of interest. I hope to make it to most of them before I die! :)

In addition to traveling I would also like to get a degree in something (anything, I don't care... when I figure out what I want to be when I grow up), go skydiving, become fluent in Spanish, get a half sleeve, learn to play piano, become good at cooking, and stay married to Cade forever and ever, amen.

day 04 : something you have to forgive someone for

I have been wracking my brain for something to say for this prompt, and I really haven't been able to come up with a good response. Sure, I've been hurt by people many times. I don't try to dwell on these things. I used to think I was a person who held grudges, and to an extent I suppose that I still am, but for the life of me I can't think of a single grudge that I am holding right now.

If you hurt me bad enough, I guess I just stop caring, and let you go. I've had to do that with the girl who I thought was my best friend. I haven't spoken a word to her in almost a year, and life feels a lot better without her influence in it.

I guess I forgive her for being a shitty friend.
But I won't forget.

mazeltov!

Today I crocheted Bean a little yarmulke to celebrate his Jewish heritage. Except he isn't Jewish. Maybe next time I can make him a poncho.

day 03 : something you have to forgive yourself for

There are a lot of things that I have done in my life that I regret, in some way, but I wouldn't want to go back and change any of them. I know if anything changed, I may not be where I am right now. And even though where I am right now has its' ups and downs, I wouldn't want to have it any other way.

One thing, however, that I regret more than anything, is the time that I let another person get between me and Cade. I don't think I ever mentioned it on this blog, but two years ago, for about 3 months, Cade and I weren't together. Things in our relationship were not at their best. He was not listening to me when I asked him to stop playing video games so much, and he was making me miserable. I barely spoke to him at all while I was away over the summer in Venezuela, and then I broke up with him when I got back. I started dating another guy, and I was happy, until we broke up. I am extremely lucky that Cade was willing to take me back after what happened. I do believe that it was a big wake up call for us, to see exactly how our lives would be without each other. I would have regretted it forever if I hadn't tried to make things right between us, and I remember what happened every single day.

I still feel guilty for what happened, but it makes me value our relationship so much more, to know how fragile it really is.

delicious lemon bars

On Sunday Cade, Bean and I went to Cade's mom's house to barbecue for the 4th of July. Even though Cade and I both had work that day, and we missed the fireworks (the first year in my life, ever!) it still turned out to be a pretty awesome day.

I have been wanting to make these vegan lemon bars that I saw on Chelsea's blog, Seablanket. I bought all the stuff to make them one week at Walmart (you know, the only store around here...) and they were out of lemons (the lady even went in the back to check for some)... so, into the cabinets everything went to never be seen again. I actually kind of forgot all about it until the other day. I don't cook much. Hah. But Cade's mom found me a couple of lemons (they must have been the only lemons in the entire state) and I tried to make these bars while Cade was grilling.

So here is Chelsea's recipe for vegan lemon bars:

Supplies Needed:

1 Cup Flour

1/4 Cup Powdered Sugar

1/2 Cup Butter Substitute

2 Tablespoons Applesauce

1 Cup Sugar

2 Tablespoons Flour

1 Tablespoon Grated Lemon Peel

1/2 Teaspoon Baking Powder

2 Tablespoons Lemon Juice

(I shamlessly stole this picture from Chelsea)

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. In a large bowl, combine flour and powdered sugar; cutting in melted butter substitute until crumbly. Press flour mixture into a 8 or 9-inch square pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 15 minutes.

In a small bowl, combine remaining ingredients. Pour lemon mixture over your partially baked crust. Return to oven and bake for 20-15 minutes or until golden brown. Cool completely and if desired, sprinkle with powdered sugar and lemon peel. Cut into bars. Makes 24 Lemon Bars.

I didn't really know if it would matter if I used powdered sugar or regular sugar, and we didn't have any powdered sugar, so I just used regular. And it turned out great. I also didn't bother measuring anything, and I just kind of slopped it all around in the dish until it looked okay. Mine didn't turn out as delicious looking as Chelsea's, so I didn't bother taking a picture... but it was really, really good. I ate half the pan of them, and brought some back to the apartment. Cade wouldn't try them because he saw me using applesauce and he hates applesauce (that boy...).

But I just wanted to let you know that if you are inept at cooking (like me) you too can make a delicious, albeit ugly dessert to wow your family and possibly your fiance, too! (that is, if he likes applesauce...)

day 02 : something you love about yourself

I love the fact that I am really friendly toward everyone, and that I make a point to remember everyone's names. To me, it always feels really special when you meet someone and they call you by name, and they actually remember it the next time you see them. Being friendly is a big deal to me, even though I don't have many friends.

I also love my sense of humor. I am really sarcastic and crazy. Although I may not come off that way through my writing, you can definitely tell the first time you have a conversation with me :)

trends

Walking around the mall, and seeing what they sell in stores lately, I've come to realize that while I like many trends... most of them just confuse me.

You know what I mean, right? No? Okay, well here are a few examples of what I'm talking about...



Gladiator sandals: Let me just get this off my chest. Um, ew. I hate them. I hate everything about them, and they are hideous. Phew. I feel much better now. Can someone please explain to me why these are popular now? I don't want my feet to look like they are in little leather cages. I hope that these go out of style quickly because I am tired of looking at them. Ugh.















Plaid shirts: They are cute. I own two. But why on earth are they seriously like... the ONLY thing that I can find in any stores in the mall. I went into PacSun and it was pretty much, you either got a plaid button-up shirt or you got nothing. Same thing with Delias. Can we please pick another pattern?

















Underwear disguised as shorts: Who wears these? these have like a 1/2 inch inseam! No one wants to see that much of anyone out in public...













Which calls to mind super short dresses: All the dresses I am seeing this year so sooo ridiculously short that I would feel uncomfortable going out in them in public without wearing shorts under them. What's up with that?









And just so I'm not a completely Negative Nancy:
I am loving the retro swimsuits, floral patterns and nautical themed items I am seeing everywhere :)

What do you think of these trends? Do you agree with me or am I just crazy and missing something totally awesome?

day 01 : something you hate about yourself

I hate the fact that I am so self-conscious and I take everything personally. If I hear people whispering, I automatically assume they must be talking about me, and saying something mean about me. If I know that someone doesn't like me, it eats me up inside and drives me crazy. I can't stand knowing that I may have made a bad impression to another person. I am self-conscious and I always seek reassurance about my appearance, my talents, basically everything. I am slowly learning to accept myself more, trying to realize I'm quite awesome, and not as bad as I imagine others perceive me.